Dear Eric: My sister and I have never been close. My sister, I’ll call her Lydia, has been a pathological liar from the time she learned to speak.
Our mom became terminally ill and was unable to stay by herself and was adamant that she would never be put long term in a nursing facility. She had the financial ability to pay for a caregiver to stay with her in her home.
Mom’s grandson volunteered to stay with her. Because of her macular degeneration, Mom gave her grandson access to her financial information and added him as a signer. Long story short, the grandson embezzled more than $100,000.
We made arrangements for a state-appointed guardian ad-litem to take over the finances immediately. The grandson was removed. Lydia had been a caregiver for more than 25 years, so she was hired.
Six months later, Mom passed away quietly at her home. A few weeks later, I received a phone call from Lydia telling me that she had “accidentally” taken some of Mom’s rings home with her. She must have known the guardian would do an inventory and find them missing. She made up some ridiculous story about how they ended up in her purse. She even went so far as to tell me that she had taken them to a pawn shop to be appraised.
She told me she would mail them back, which she did.
So, I have been in a “no contact” mode, feeling very betrayed by Lydia. I was told by a family member that I need to get over it because “we all know how Lydia is.”
I am hurt that I am being made out to be the “bad” one in this situation. I’m certain that the family has heard Lydia’s version of the truth that most likely has little resemblance to the actual facts.
How do you suggest I handle this situation?
– Ring of Truth
Dear Ring: This is possibly the best of a series of bad outcomes. Lydia may have, as you suspect, tried to get away with stealing the rings but, ultimately, that didn’t happen and now the rings are back.
You can’t control what Lydia does, and you can’t control what your family thinks. If you don’t want to talk to her, you don’t have to, but if you’re going “no contact” as a way of teaching her a lesson or eliciting a change in behavior, you may continue to be frustrated.
I understand that Lydia’s history of lying and the trauma of catching another relative embezzling from your mother has worn on you. I don’t think your response is unfair or unreasonable. But it will help you to say, “This person can’t help herself.”
That’s not a clinical diagnosis, by the way. But sometimes people do things against their own best interest.
It can feel like a betrayal, but I encourage you to set an internal boundary by thinking of it as a part of the constellation of problems that Lydia has, rather than an offense she committed against you. This isn’t so much for her benefit as it is for yours.
Dear Eric: I have a 10-year relationship unmarried. My girlfriend continues to communicate with her 50-year-old son, having him determine for her what to do in the relationship.
She does not want to communicate with me. She tells me one day she loves me, the next day she does not want to talk.
Should I just end the relationship? I’ve tried to explain to her the things she’s done to me, but she will not let me finish the conversation when I continue to explain her actions toward me.
Is this a narcissist and should I just end the relationship completely?
– Unloved
Dear Unloved: First, a couple of follow-ups to ask yourself. Has it always been this way or is this new? Have you explored couple’s counseling (obviously, without the son)? Do you feel that the son’s influence on your girlfriend is more than just intrusive, i.e., emotionally manipulative?
The answers to these questions probably won’t change the answer to your big question, but they may offer some context, or options for getting your girlfriend help.
The big answer remains the same: This relationship isn’t working for you right now and it sounds like it’s time to separate.
Communication is the cornerstone of a relationship, so if you can’t talk to each other (or, if she won’t talk to you), it’s hard to see a path forward.
Are you happy together? Do you feel valued? In a relationship, you may not feel swoony and enamored every day, but this kind of hot/cold withholding that she’s doing is unhealthy and unkind.
She’s not in the place to be the partner that either of you needs.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
