“We’ve been suspicious for years,” said Dr. David Shanker, head of golf superstition research. “But now we have the data to prove it. Simply put, that abandoned Titleist you fished out of the woods last weekend may be the single biggest threat to your handicap.”
The research began when Dr. Shanker noticed a peculiar pattern at his local club: scarcity afflicted players who proudly pulled a random, found ball out of their bag often seemed to perform just slightly worse than their usual form.
“We first chalked it up to poor technique or a late-night beer binge,” Shanker explained. “But one by one, we saw these cheap golfers fall apart after switching to these rogue balls. You’d see a perfect 200-yard drive suddenly turn into a tragic slice that lands on a nearby interstate. I knew something was wrong.”
Scientific Testing Confirms: Found Balls Are Possessed
The team conducted a rigorous series of tests on over 1,000 found golf balls. Using cutting-edge technology, such as the revolutionary “Bad Shot-O-Meter” and high-speed video analysis, they uncovered a startling truth:
Each found golf ball is likely embedded with the negative energy of all the bad shots that made it end up in the rough in the first place.
“Golf balls don’t just get lost,” said Professor Duffy Waterman, a contributing researcher. “They absorb the anguish of every missed putt, every shanked iron, and every water hazard they’ve encountered. Playing with one of these cursed spheres is like inviting the ghosts of triple-bogeys past into your game.”
Anecdotal Evidence: A Golfer’s Tale
Local golfer Rick DeThreeput recounted his own harrowing experience.
“I found this practically new Pro V1 just lying there behind the bunker. Looked like my lucky day!” DeThreeput said. “First hole, I shanked it so hard, I think I almost hit a guy two fairways over. Then on the next hole, I went from birdie range to bunker-to-bunker in five strokes. By the 9th hole, I was just trying to get off the course without crying.”
After consulting with Dr. Shankers team, DeThreeput realized he had unwittingly unleashed the evil energy of a found double-bogey ball.
“I threw it in the lake. No way I’m keeping that demon,” he declared.
Beware the “Curse of the White Sphere”
Dr. Shankers report outlines the common symptoms of playing with a cursed found golf ball:
- Perfectly aimed putts mysteriously veer off course.
- Wedges turn into rocket launchers, blasting shots into the woods behind the green.
- Your driver suddenly sounds like it’s hitting a rock (probably because it is).
- Spontaneous yips that leave even veteran players putting like a beginner on a caffeine binge.
The study concluded with a strong recommendation: “When you find a ball, leave it be. Those who play with it do so at their own risk. Don’t play with someone else’s stinkball. They didn’t end up in the water or woods by accident.”
What Should You Do If You Find a Stray Golf Ball?
There are several options if you stumble across a stray ball, experts advise:
- Kick it deeper into the woods: Let someone else reclaim it and release all its evil energy.
- Offer it as a gift to your opponent: Watch their game crumble.
- Keep it in a jar labeled ‘Emergency Only’: As a reminder that some temptations should never be succumbed to.
Final Thoughts
As Dr. Shanker summed up in his final remarks, “Golf is a delicate balance of skill, patience, and the supernatural forces at play on every hole. Don’t mess with those forces by playing with a found ball. Your score—and your sanity—depend on it.”
Final thought…. don’t succumb to the lure of saving a few bucks playing found balls, unless you also want bad juju.
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UPDATE: Click Here for some real factual studies that show you lose yardage with used balls!!!
