To paraphrase Kermit The Frog, ‘It’s not easy making green” and under Trump 2.0, that has never been more true for the ‘average’ hedge fund manager dealing with 24/7 headline risk from the current resident of The White House.
For those who may not be in the seat, or have a clue as to just what the daily roller-coaster has been like for the last seven months and counting, Harris Kupperman, CIO of Praetorian Capital posted the following on X, which although a little tongue in cheek, is awfully close to the reality of anyone trying to trade this chaos. Brace yourself, as Kuppy says “Every fuckin’ day bro… every one!”:
6:00 – Wake up, check what Trump tariffed overnight. Cambodia up +200%, Paraguay -3% (they said thanks).
6:05 – Brew some coffee.
6:10 – Trump tweets that the laws are rigged, since he cannot tariff Arizona. Mentally scroll the portfolio for exposure…
6:15 – Check what happened in Asia and Europe. 6:22 – Trump announces that hot dogs will join the food pyramid. Bans hot dog exports. Fortunately our book dodged that one.
6:30 – Drink some coffee, talk to wife, pray Trump will spend the morning golfing so I can do some actual work…
6:31 – Trump announces that oil at $65 is too high. Threatens anyone who isn’t producing more oil.
6:32 – Top 5 position announces earnings, want to join the earnings call at 7am, but Trump just scheduled a press conference then, and he’s looking unpredictable.
7:02 – Trump announces that Japan can now export golf balls tariff-free, in honor of Abe letting him cheat at golf. Join the earnings call instead.
7:06 – Futures plunge 65 handles in a single tick, frantically leave the earnings call and go back to whatever Trump is still yapping about in his press conference.
7:10 – Scroll through premarket quotes. NVDA and PLTR are both up 5% b/c it’s a day ending in ‘Y’ but SPZ are now down 80 handles.
7:15 – Trump changed his mind and SPZ are now up 25 handles as everyone rushes to cover their short. (I re-join the earnings call)
7:30 – Some broker I’ve never heard of just downgraded a top 5 position and it’s down 15% on 300 shares traded. I’m pretty confident it will close around there too. (I crack open a beer as I skim his downgrade report, realizing that nothing productive will happen today…)
8:00 – An LP calls to remind me of some ShitCoin he recommended that’s now up 1800% since he recommended it.
8:09 – 10-yr bonds gap down 17 bps, but all I can find is a tweet from Bessent about how great Main Street is doing.
8:15 – Some sell side asshole cold-calls me to see if I want a copy of his upgrade report on the AI sector. Tells me that “it’s going to be big and you don’t want to miss it.”
8:20 – Check my email, do 10 minutes of actual work.
8:30 – Trump threatens Brazil, I realize our BZ exposure is gonna get thumped on the open. (Crack open a 2nd beer)
8:33 – Reminisce about how productive I was, since Biden wouldn’t even wake up until noon.
8:40 – Chat with my CFO for 19 mins about some new compliance form we need to file.
8:59 – Trump Tweets about how stupid Powell is. Futures are back down 30 handles.
9:04 – Join a call 4 mins late with an endowment that wants an update, but 100% will never invest. “BTW – we need you to update the DDQ as we’ve changed our format”
9:29 – Casino is opening. Let’s see what happens.
9:32 – I’m bored. Go back to reading emails. Turns out the govt created another new form we ALSO need to fill out…
10:00 – We’re actually up 50bps.
10:03 – Now down 175bps. Trump just threatened to bomb Europe.
10:06 – Tweets he was just joking about Europe. But those guys need to get their shit together bc he might still bomb them.
10:08 – Ready for bourbon. Beer won’t cut it…
10:30 – EIA oil inventory shows yet another massive draw. Oil drops 5% anyway.
10:40 – Don Jr’s latest SPAC rallies 300% on rumors it may launch a new ShitCoin
10:45 – Friend calls to cry about how cheap all his names are. We both agree we were idiots to invest in businesses with earnings.
11:22 – Trump reminds everyone about how much Putin likes him.
11:40 – Realize I’m now too tweaked to sit in the office. Turn off the machines and go get lunch with a friend who’s also gonna bitch about how stupid markets have become.
12:05 – Hostess at restaurant pitches me some ShitCoin. Claims she’s up a few million on it
12:07 – Friend starts bitching about how stupid it is to be an investor under Trump, and how we all made money under Biden. I agree with him, but we both agree it would be even stupider under Kamala…
For more from Harris, visit Kuppy’s Korner blog at http://pracap.com
Loading recommendations…
