You know, about 24 hours ago I had every intention of pitching a post for Kotaku about how I could finally forgive Alolan Raichu, the surfing, psychic, pancake-loving regional variant of my favorite Pokémon, for its crimes. For many years, I have looked upon Alolan Raichu with disdain as it usurped the Kanto original as The Pokémon Company’s favorite Pikachu evolution. The Alolan mouse was featured in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, is a playable character in the MOBA Pokémon Unite, and received some significant promo in the anime and Sun and Moon. Meanwhile, my boy’s legacy has mostly seen him overshadowed by his own pre-evolution, and this all began with an episode of the anime that painted him as inferior to Pikachu in battle decades ago. Then, Game Freak announced he was getting not one, but two Mega Evolutions in Legends: Z-A’s DLC. For a moment, it seemed Raichu would finally get some respect put on his name. I’d decided I could finally forgive Alolan Raichu for stealing the spotlight and let the electric rats coexist in my mind…until this little shit showed up in Legends: Z-A with the audacity of someone who’s never been told “no” in his life.
If you’re wondering where Alolan Raichu is in Legends: Z-A, know it is only available in the post-game. I hadn’t given the regional variant much thought until I was heading to do a quest in Lumiose City. There I was, walking toward the Quasartico Inc. building minding my own business, Raichu by my side, when all of a sudden, I see this agitating, dopey, maple-syrup-smelling twerp hovering alongside a woman on the way in. “Pshaw!” I say in my mind as the side quest marker hovers above them, as if inviting me to inquire about this odd-looking rodent when I have spent 30 hours having only seen Raichus that are orange and have their feet planted firmly on the ground. I know who you are, Alolan Raichu, and you’re a war criminal. But then I think, maybe if I do this side quest, they’ll go away and I won’t have to see them next time I come to Quasartico’s office. So I speak to the woman. She introduces herself as Griddella, a member of CHARGE, or “Committee to Highlight Alolan Raichu and Generate Excitement.” I guess even serial killers have fandoms.
Griddella asks if our Raichus can battle, and she wants to make some ceremony of it. I have to remove all my other Pokémon from my party before I can complete the quest, so it’s just me and Raichu against Griddella and the Pocket Monster equivalent of Bizarro from Superman. The Alolan Raichu we face is decently powerful at level 64, but my guy’s at level 70 and we just finished the endgame, so we’ve faced much tougher foes than this imposter. Raichu smacks Alolan Raichu around the field a bit and then Griddella congratulates us on our win. Alright, cool. Kanto Raichu supremacy has been established. Let’s get back to what we were doing, Raichu. But no, Griddella’s not done with us yet, as she then asks a baffling question: “Let’s trade: your Raichu for my Alolan Raichu! What do you say?”
What do I say, Griddella? I say “Hell fucking no, are you kidding me?” But the game only lets me say “No thanks,” so you will never hear the disgust with which I decline your insult of an offer. Not only have I gone to hell and back with this guy throughout Legends: Z-A’s story, but he also just whooped your faker’s ass in the middle of a crowded area of Lumiose City. Why would I reward my king’s loyalty and strength by giving him to you for this second-rate phony? He’s been with me since Day One, and we have journeyed through every region of the Pokémon universe together, saving the day while this guy serves pancakes to people in Alola. When the Mega Dimension DLC comes out, he’s finally going to undergo Mega Evolution like he should have a decade ago. The Pokémon Company may not respect him, but I do. I’ll never trade my OG for a pretender. Even if it means I’ve gotta see him every time I go to Quasartico’s building because they will not leave unless I make the trade. Guess that quest’s not getting finished. “Ken, just catch another Raichu and trade it.” No! It’s the principle!
