Dear Eric: One year after my retirement I am still feeling confused and hurt for not receiving a “retirement gift” from my long-time employers.
I worked for a family-owned realty company for nearly 30 years. I am not a family member. We started out as just four of us while the company expanded into one of the largest real estate firms in our community.
I was an intricate piece of it, but as it grew, I felt more and more left in the dark by their decisions and considerations. It felt hostile to me.
Honestly, it felt good to leave a place where I felt disrespected and tired of being snapped at by management.
Bosses laid a “happy retirement” card on my desk and walked away. When I opened it later in front of some co-workers, we all were shocked when not even a gift card fell out. Kind words written, but I was confused.
My feelings were validated by my therapist and friends to whom I spoke. However, one year later my self-esteem is still deflated, and I have frequent nightmares of being back in the toxic work atmosphere. Not a good way to close out my life.
I’m active in charitable and political causes so I’m not bored. At this late date, do I ask my former employers, “What was the deal?” It could bring closure so I could move on.
– Stung Former Realtor
Dear Realtor: I say this with kindness – you probably already know the deal, or at least the general outline of the deal, so I don’t think a conversation with a toxic employer is going to bring you the closure you seek.
The unhappy feelings you have about your former workplace have all coalesced around the retirement acknowledgment, but it sounds like you suffered for years. All of that is going to take a toll.
Instead of going back to a place of injury, talk to your therapist about the struggle you’re having with self-esteem and ways to heal. This part of your past is not going to change, but your relationship to it can.
You might start to see your boss and coworkers in a new light that doesn’t give them so much power over your feelings; you might engage in therapeutic practices that quiet the negative voices that still linger in your memory. It might help to simply say to your therapist: What I wanted was not what happened, and it hurts.
Your nightmares are already dragging you back to your workplace. You don’t need to go back there in your waking hours, too. It’s possible to get free.
Dear Eric: I am a 70-year-old woman who has a wonderful husband. I have some health issues, including cognitive impairment. For this reason, I do not drive, and I depend on my husband for all shopping and doctor’s appointments.
Do you have any advice for making social connections?
– Lonely
Dear Lonely: Making and maintaining social connections is going to look a little different at this point than perhaps it did in the past. This is neither good nor bad; change happens. But the fact that you have a desire to make connections is a fantastic first step.
There’s evidence that socializing can help with cognitive performance, as well. A 2021 study by the Center for Healthy Aging at Penn State found that when adults ages 70 and 90 experienced more frequent social interactions, they also had better cognitive performance on that day.
Look into programs at your local senior center or YMCA and enlist your husband’s help in adding events that interest you the calendar so that you can get there and get back. It’s important to consider socialization as another crucial aspect of your healthcare, along with medical appointments and errands. These types of organizations often offer classes as well, which can be a great way to meet new people and meet you where you are cognitively.
There might be things you and your husband want to do together, or you may find programs that only appeal to you.
You may also want to be proactive about reaching out to friends and relatives and inviting them over to visit. You don’t have to throw an elaborate lunch or even make tea. You can be honest about your capacity, if it makes you more comfortable, saying something like, “I’d love to see you. I’m not in a place where I can formally host anymore, but it would be wonderful to catch up.” Friends might welcome the opportunity to reconnect and to show you love.
For friends who aren’t nearby, try catching up over the phone or video chat.
Lastly, talk to your neurologist about finding local support groups for you and for your husband. These can be great resources for new strategies and for social connection.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
