Dear Eric: A friend is planning his second marriage. It will be his fiancée’s third.
Both are in their mid-to-late 60s, have owned their single-family homes for many years, and have reasonably well-paying jobs.
They are planning a wedding shower and have registered for gifts, including expensive kitchen equipment and utensils, china, glassware, lamps, and living room furnishings. Things newlyweds-to-be in their 20s or 30s might need to start out. Not middle-aged adults with three past marriages and two homes between them.
Yes, the inappropriateness has been discussed with them. When asked “why,” they say the things they have are older and, as they are starting out new together, they want things in their house to be new as well.
No matter that, by registering, they effectively ask others to pay to replace what they already have. My perspective is that this is a blatant case of “chutzpah,” Yiddish for “nerve” or “gall.”
They are, otherwise, nice caring people, but I feel they have gone off the rails asking others to re-equip and re-furnish their home. If invited over, I would be uncomfortable using their new dishware, glasses, etc.
My feelings tell me to cool our relationship. Am I being excessively critical of their plans?
– Give or Give It Up
Dear Give: I’m reminded of another Yiddish phrase a friend once told me which translates to “money can buy everything except common sense.”
It really does take a lot of nerve to ask friends and loved ones to replace all their perfectly fine belongings … but if their friends and loved ones will do it, there’s technically no harm. No one is being forced to buy a gift.
You certainly don’t have to buy them anything if you don’t want to. But I worry about letting this ruin your friendship. It’s not a crime to have chutzpah. So, maybe live and let live here.
See if you can think of this as something you wouldn’t do in their shoes but perhaps not an offense that makes them unworthy of being your friends.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are both in our second marriage. We have been married 18 years, and we each have grown children. Everyone gets along very well.
This past summer, his two sisters, daughter and two nieces wanted to include me in an “aunt and nieces” weekend up in the northern part of our state. They had already gotten a VRBO and asked if my husband and I could get our own lodging.
I was told by my husband’s sister that when all the aunties and nieces get together, they all bring a gift for each other and that I was included in this little gift exchange. I promptly went out and purchased five great gifts for everyone.
To my surprise, I was the only one who brought out their gift. I guess they exchanged gifts after my husband and I left. I was very hurt by their actions and totally felt left out.
One month later, my one sister died unexpectedly. To my hurt and dismay, I didn’t get a single note of condolence from my husband’s two kids or his family.
I have really pulled back on having anything to do with his family. I told my husband how hurt I am by their actions.
I was just wondering about your thoughts and suggestions on what I should do.
– Slighted By Family
Dear Slighted: It will probably help you to separate the gift exchange from the condolences, although it makes sense that both hurt you.
It’s possible that there was some kind of communication mix-up with the “aunts and nieces” weekend, for instance, and they didn’t expect you to participate in the gift exchange since you were staying with your husband at a separate property. This is all conjecture, of course, but looking at it separately may make both issues easier to address.
Because you all get along well, ask your husband’s sister, “Hey, what happened with that weekend?” Explain what you thought was going to happen and how what actually happened didn’t match up with your expectation. And then listen to her perspective.
This will take a little bit of vulnerability, but it’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with having an expectation, and nothing wrong with being disappointed that that expectation wasn’t met. Telling friends and loved ones about these things, without accusation, helps them to know us better and to meet us where we are.
Similarly, consider asking your husband to address the lack of condolences with his family. This is a place where he and they can show up to support you.
People don’t always do the things we wish they would. That’s OK. But by communicating our needs and wants, we can avoid the kinds of resentments that can poison a relationship.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
