Tiana Ealdred |
Guest writer Tiana Ealdred briely sums up the final hour’s play at The Oval on 4th August, and probes – with help from some Parisians and Sir Toby Cook – Where to for the coming Ashes series down under?
THE FINAL HOUR’s PLAY AT THE OVAL
England, after a couple of boundary hits – the second nearly glancing Overton’s leg stump – were a mixture of rehearsed ambition and incompetence in their various swishes outside off stump, no doubt expecting this very aged ball to not do much. And so they wove their downfall within the majestic carpet laid out by Mohammed Siraj and partner, Prasidh Kriskna.
When still in occupation – not long – Jamie Smith, the only specialist batsman still standing, was looking like a bewildered adolescent. When about to receive a delivery, his eyes did credit to a Hitchcock film a moment prior to a chilling event.
After the magic had been weaved by India, the head coach of England – Brendon McCullum – hinted at a lack of conviction by his charges this morning, such was their mentally frazzled state of mind.
COMING DOWN UNDER
One shudders to think what Australia will do to this disjointed, aging team at year’s end. So what from here England, personnel wise? I took my guidance from Parisians who have been following this series with intense interest – sharpened by the tensions aroused by the UK government’s bungling over recent “Migrants Illegally Crossing the English Channel” episodes.
The Head Chef at Bistrot Richelieu, Monsieur Guillaume Galliot was forthright:
“Retire captain Ben Stokes: at his age – 34 years – and demanding all-rounder role, now too much of a risk to wheel onto the field, and wouldn’t accept being restricted to being a batsman. He should be given a knighthood and moved to the House of Lords, there to join Sir Ian Botham in worthy debate about the nation’s interests.”
Moving to Le Train Bleu restaurant at the Gare de Lyon, the owner Monsieur Jeanne Gollarde opined about the proper role for Joe Root:
“Deploy his sublime batting skills at number 3 (again) and don’t give him the choice. It’s there or nowhere. If he accepts, and wants to continue wheeling down his innocuous and expensive off spin. Then some lessons on how to bowl off spin effectively if you’ve not got much talent for it. Suggest a lunch with former maestro, Graeme Swann to initiate matters.”
As I speak, along the Champs-Élysées, effigies are being set ablaze – with brandy and flares – of Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum. This being done to fervent dancing and chanting.
I now ventured to speak with Monsieur Bazerot of the Pink Flamingo night club. He shakes my hand warmly and notes:
“The 31 year old Jamie Overton in his two Test matches so far has captured 4 wickets in four innings of bowling, for 310 runs at a costly 77.5 runs apiece (2 for 146 vs New Zealand in 2022 and now 2 for 164 vs India) – adding that he should now be put out to pasture, as a 6 foot 5 inch tourist attraction. He quips: pay a pound to speak to him for five minutes and half of that sum will go to the ECB.”
Across the road, at the Palais Maillot night club, manager Monsieur Gisgot mentions Jofra Archer, saying:
“Archer will be welcomed back by the fashion houses of London and the more exotic night clubs that England has to offer. He’s not by temperament for Test cricket.”
Monsieur Gisgot also has an informed opinion on the South African born, highly tattooed, Brydon Carse:
“Although Geoffrey Boycott might think ‘he’s not a pace bowler’s arse’, I beg to differ, and would make him a permanent fixture for the foreseeable future.”
M. Gisgot’s colleague is keen on the plucky Ben Duckett, feeling:
“He’s matured in outlook and range of acceptably safe shots: retain and leave alone.”
Some pastry shops are now opening their doors in honour of this magnificent victory by India. A delighted customer, Jeanne Sartre tells me:
“The luckless today with the bat Gus Atkinson – determined, sometimes hostile and often successful with the ball in hand for England – should be retained alongside Carse.”
Next door there’s a gym stirring into action, operated by Pierre Buspange. I ask him about Zak Crawley:
“Unless zis Crawley person continues to bribe coach McCullum to give him another go, oust him. Far too many failures to make this high risk merchant a viable proposition in Australia.”
Seconds later, an unseen voice reaches me from a bystander on the side-walk, at high speed:
“Liam Dawson – selecting him again will risk premature aging.
Jamie Smith – Leave him at number seven in the batting order and tell him he is forgiven.
Ollie Pope – anoint him as the regular captain, after some intensive sessions with Mike Brearley and put him at number five in the order, after Brook.
Harry Brook – don’t bother trying to coach the too-risky shots out of his repertoire. He’ll only ignore it, even if it is good advice (just like Victor Trumper did).”
Soon afterwards, an ice-cream seller draws up with his cart:
“Please tell me that I’m not dreaming, I heard England were done in when 7 runs short of winning. Is it really true?”
I reassure him.
“I have to say this youngster Jacob Bethell has done well scoring in his three Tests, against New Zealand, prior to The Oval match when he, admittedly, darkened his under pants. Also potentially handy down under with his slow left arm deliveries.”
Offering me a large vanilla cone, and continuing to offer me his views:
“Josh Tongue – most promising. Persist with him. Though, firstly, he needs advice on wearing cricket boots that suit the conditions.
And Chris Woakes – his heart is in the right place. So long as his body holds up, definitely worth his place. Moves the ball just enough – not too much. “
Emotionally exhausted, I hail a taxi for the airport.
The driver has his radio on. There’s a news flash about Mark Wood: he expects to be fully fit for the first Test against Australia at Perth’s fairly recently completed Optus Stadium in late-November.
The driver retorts:
“Sheer speed, anything else?”
It has me pondering….probably a good choice for Perth perhaps, Brisbane and Melbourne.
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On arrival at Charles de Gaulle airport, I phoned Sir Toby Cook in Melbourne, a highly knowledgeable cricket enthusiast as well as being a prominent screen-writer.
It was time to broach the 64 thousand dollar question: which specialist spinner, or spinners, should England take for the coming Ashes series. Sir Toby is well acquainted with typical pitch and weather conditions at the five different venues down under. The gist of our lengthy conversation went as follows:
TE: Been canvassing the opinions of Parisians…jumping for joy at the minor-miracle.
Need your thoughts on the spinners to take for the Ashes series.
TC: A vexed issue…have given a fair amount of thought to it. Got pen and paper handy as there’s quite a bit to take in.
TE: Two or one specialists?
TC: Ideally, a trustworthy imaginative off spinner and a dangerous leg break/googly bowler. This immediately rules out the (34 year old) slow left arm stalwart Jack Leach. Poor credentials, anyway: his best in three Tests in Oz – back in 2021 – was 4 for 173 at Sydney: overall, 6 wickets at 53.5 runs apiece.
TE: With you there.
TC: The right arm off breaks of Shoaib Bashir (soon to turn 22) cut little ice in his two matches for England Lions in Oz during January this year: 2 for 91 and 1 for 109 (going for 3.8 runs per over). And his 2 wickets per innings in 19 Tests have cost 39 runs apiece. Worse is his first-class matches taken together: buys them at 49 runs apiece. Not at all encouraging!
TE: So can’t see what all the fuss is about…with him!
TC: I come to Rehan Ahmed, who’s no longer really a youngster – shortly to reach 21 years of age. He’s the one for the leggie/googly spot – for sure. In Tests so far: 22 victims in 9 innings at a respectable 31.2 runs apiece, while in all first class matches he averages 2.1 victims per innings bowled in.
It’s victims you want in Oz, not just containment while the pacemen take a rest. They will need big rests out there, mark my word. That shrewd judge, Shane Warne spotted Rehan shortly before his 13th birthday and predicted a bright future.
TE: No off spinner yet…
TC: That’s a hard one…a dare-devil option is to pick Rehan’s younger brother, Farhan Ahmed – only 17 and a half years old. So far, at first-class level, he’s captured 39 wickets from bowling in 22 innings, doing so at 34.8 runs apiece. Pretty good at his age. Made his debut at age 16 and a half.
He is a double-edged sword, though. The Aussies might well try to smash him into oblivion on his first appearance. Yet there’s an ignominy in being dismissed by a very young Pom! So they might be wary, although still try some big – risky – shots. Who knows, it might just work.
And we’re left with Root and Bethell as, potentially, occasional spinners.
TE: Very occasional, I’d suggest. Unless some imaginative “shock” deliveries are woven into their repertoire. Root’s surprise bouncer has sometimes worked, but he desperately needs more weapons in his armoury.
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On breaking off with Sir Toby, I turned up a list of four right arm off spinners who did well in English county cricket during the 2024 season, and might be possible candidates:
- Jack Carson: age 24, with Sussex
- Alex Thomson: age 31, with Derbyshire
- Rob Keogh: age 33, with Northants, and
- Archie Vaughan: age 19 and eight months, with Somerset. Has played matches for England’s Under 19 side: 16 wickets at 20.4 in 6 innings, four against South Africa and two against India.
Made his first-class debut twelve months ago: currently has 26 wickets at 34.0 runs apiece. Also handy with the bat, averaging 26.4 from his 27 innings.
I made a mental note to think further about each of them on reaching home.
